Mid-night musings

5:52 am It's a thing

I’m not sure why I’m not asleep except that I woke up a little over an hour
ago and haven’t settled again yet.

Lots of not so happy thoughts are running through my head. Many to do with
fertility and babies. Miss Marble is in heat again. We really should get her
fixed. Some how it feels as though getting her (and her sister, Miss Dark)
fixed would be giving up on my own fertility.

I don’t even know if I/we really have issues there. Except for lack of
practice. I’m fairly sure that any doctor we consulted would tell us to go
away for the right weekend without the boy. Although I’m so bad at keeping
track of my cycle, I don’t know if I could predict the “right” weekend.

Somehow in the middle of the night, it’s all very depressing. I’m not even
sure if having another child would be a good thing for us. What would it do
to the boy? He’s already seven and conventional wisdom says that it would be
like starting a new family.

In some ways, the older the boy gets the more Dale and I fall into our old
semi-destructive habits. Having a second child would certainly curtail that.
Or cause us to be bankrupt rapidly.

Everything is up in the air. I’d like a way to make an actual informed
decision instead of a half-baked guess. I just don’t think that’s possible

All my uncertainty is exacerbated by job stress. I love my job. The work is
interesting and varied. I make my own hours. I can work from home pretty
much whenever I need/want to. I get to car pool with Dale some days and
drive my own car others. It’s pretty awesome all round. The stress comes
from the risk of having both of us working in a start-up. Totally and
completely without safety net. I’d really like that part to change without
changing any other aspect of the job. Not asking for much am I?

It’s almost time for my alarm to go off. Guess I’ll start my day early.

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