I try to live by Christian morals and get kicked in the head because of it.
I do my best at my job and get kicked in the head. I try to be honest and
open with members of my church and get kicked in the head. I try to better
myself with education and get kicked in the head. I try to make the world a
better place, guess what? I volunteer at my son’s school. Whammo.

When I was growing up and being picked on by bullies at school, my mother
would tell me that my turn would come. That someday I’d be the top dog and
they wouldn’t. I’m still waiting.

It makes me wonder why bother? Why try to be a better person? Why bother to
be honest? Why bother to help at the school? Why bother to work hard at all?
For that matter why bother to work at all? Why try to teach my child to work
hard, to be honest, to be kind?

It certainly seems as if I’d be further ahead if I did nothing at all. Maybe
I’ll find myself a one room apartment and just not bother to do anything.
Eventually the owners would throw me out but it would take a while. I could
apply for welfare and have someone else worry about everything.

Or maybe I should start committing crimes. What’s the worst that could
happen then? Get caught, arrested, sent to prison? Hmmm three meals/day and
lots of free time. That doesn’t sound too bad to me.

But what’s that teaching my son? That working hard isn’t worth it? That
seems to be what the universe is attempting to beat into my head. That
honesty isn’t valuable? Well it’s sure as hell gotten me nowhere.

I guess I’m just too stupid to give up.

If I keep starting to excercise, some day it’ll stick right?

I expect that later today when I want to be awake I’ll be unable to keep both eyes open. Just not fun. I don’t want to drive in that condition which makes me more dependent on Dale. I feel like I place such a heavy load on his shoulders as it is.

Sigh. Well all I can do right now is try again.
To bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.

Lots of not so happy thoughts are running through my head. Many to do with
fertility and babies. Miss Marble is in heat again. We really should get her
fixed. Some how it feels as though getting her (and her sister, Miss Dark)
fixed would be giving up on my own fertility.

I don’t even know if I/we really have issues there. Except for lack of
practice. I’m fairly sure that any doctor we consulted would tell us to go
away for the right weekend without the boy. Although I’m so bad at keeping
track of my cycle, I don’t know if I could predict the “right” weekend.

Somehow in the middle of the night, it’s all very depressing. I’m not even
sure if having another child would be a good thing for us. What would it do
to the boy? He’s already seven and conventional wisdom says that it would be
like starting a new family.

In some ways, the older the boy gets the more Dale and I fall into our old
semi-destructive habits. Having a second child would certainly curtail that.
Or cause us to be bankrupt rapidly.

Everything is up in the air. I’d like a way to make an actual informed
decision instead of a half-baked guess. I just don’t think that’s possible
though.

All my uncertainty is exacerbated by job stress. I love my job. The work is
interesting and varied. I make my own hours. I can work from home pretty
much whenever I need/want to. I get to car pool with Dale some days and
drive my own car others. It’s pretty awesome all round. The stress comes
from the risk of having both of us working in a start-up. Totally and
completely without safety net. I’d really like that part to change without
changing any other aspect of the job. Not asking for much am I?

It’s almost time for my alarm to go off. Guess I’ll start my day early.

I’d like to post more often but when I set the bar too high I intimidate
myself. However, as of today I’m starting a new posting category. I’m going
to make a short post when I make a choice that is healthier or smarter than
my default choice. As an example of what might end up here, I had milk with
lunch today instead of a coke. It’s a small thing but I’m trying to have
many small choices end up making a big change.

Wish me luck.

And today I found this:

http://www.ted.me/cereal/

Win a Bathtub Full of Cereal from Ted Murphy on Vimeo.

(My first ever embedded video!) Check it out.

It’s funny, weird and a cool idea.

I’m using a tubular cast on. It’s hard to think about but pretty easy to do. I watched a video from Knitting Daily (http://www.knittingdaily.com/blogs/daily/archive/2008/11/19/learn-a-new-cast-on-tubular-cast-on-video.aspx) and read this article (http://www.woolfestival.com/articles/tubular_caston.htm) It’s pretty easy to do once you understand what to look for and where to do the pickups.

I’m hoping to have this sweater finished by Christmas but we’ll have to see. If I do that I won’t have Jeffrey’s blankie done for sure. Which project to choose? I’ve also got some Handmaiden in blues and greens that I want to turn into a shawl/scarf for a gift but I’ll not get that done for a while. Too many projects and too much gorgeous fibre! Dale says I never finish anything and it’s sort of true. But I just need someone to teach me how to put pieces together. I’ll learn someday.

I will see what happens.

At the very least I’m glad it’s over. I just hope it’s really totally over and there isn’t another “vote count” debacle.