At the end of a long day,

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I’d like to know why I can walk to work in 1000 steps but walking home takes more than 1300?
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Power and energy.

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Power is supposed to go out tonight. I wish it would happen soon. If it goes out while I’m at work I get paid to sit down. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’m so tired of everything right now. Tired of headaches, of money, of being a parent, of my cow-irkers, of the customers.

I’m really tired of worrying about money. I need a real job. One that pays enough that I can have my own car again. Or even just that pays enough that we could meet our budget again. I feel like we reduced everything possible and we’re still not making ends meet.

Well break’s over. Time to begin the slog again.
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I don’t know where to turn.

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Wednesday 5pm Dale is out of town this week so I’m single-parenting it. It shouldn’t be as difficult as it is. He’s only one kid.

Right now he’s refusing to do his problem of the week because it’s not due until Friday. If I let go, I’d grab him and shake him until he rattled. Instead my emotions are tightly reigned in and I sent him to his room.
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My day.

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Very productive.

 

Get boy to school. Dale headed to work. Sit down at computer to apply for jobs. Friend phones. Talk for two minutes. Hang up because doorbell rings. Answered door. JW’s at door for hubby.  Decided to start dishes before going back to computer. Got halfway through that. Heard cat yakking upstairs. Ran for that. Cleaned it up. Decided to collect bag of garbage to take downstairs & outside. Doorbell rings. Answered door. Package for Dale.  Upstairs to put it in office. Decide to start laundry. Wonder if I should do our bedding. Look for new set of sheets that I know we have somewhere. Find bag of craft supplies I thought was lost. Decide to clean/organize craft area. Sit down and get lost in beading. Tear self from that. Take yarn downstairs with knitting case. Feel hungry. Realize I didn’t start dishes. Mostly fill dishwasher. Head upstairs to look for cups. Find current book. Get distracted by smut. Become very relaxed. Fall asleep. (1 hour) Wake up. Realize tonight is cub banquet. Look for my uniform. Find most of it. Notice hairbrush. Start brushing hair. While brushing hair remember I hadn’t phoned friend back. Go back to purple room for phone. Phone and leave msg at her house. Check for texts. Text Dale about what plan for tonight is. Text her about jw’s. Jeff comes home. Talk to him about DS. Friend phones. We discuss how unproductive my day has been.  Continue with hair. Shower is next. Really. I promise.

 

Some days it’s just not gonna happen.

Why bother?

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The older I get, it seems the more often I get kicked in the head.

I try to live by Christian morals and get kicked in the head because of it.
I do my best at my job and get kicked in the head. I try to be honest and
open with members of my church and get kicked in the head. I try to better
myself with education and get kicked in the head. I try to make the world a
better place, guess what? I volunteer at my son’s school. Whammo.

When I was growing up and being picked on by bullies at school, my mother
would tell me that my turn would come. That someday I’d be the top dog and
they wouldn’t. I’m still waiting.

It makes me wonder why bother? Why try to be a better person? Why bother to
be honest? Why bother to help at the school? Why bother to work hard at all?
For that matter why bother to work at all? Why try to teach my child to work
hard, to be honest, to be kind?

It certainly seems as if I’d be further ahead if I did nothing at all. Maybe
I’ll find myself a one room apartment and just not bother to do anything.
Eventually the owners would throw me out but it would take a while. I could
apply for welfare and have someone else worry about everything.

Or maybe I should start committing crimes. What’s the worst that could
happen then? Get caught, arrested, sent to prison? Hmmm three meals/day and
lots of free time. That doesn’t sound too bad to me.

But what’s that teaching my son? That working hard isn’t worth it? That
seems to be what the universe is attempting to beat into my head. That
honesty isn’t valuable? Well it’s sure as hell gotten me nowhere.

I guess I’m just too stupid to give up.

Another day, another start.

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10 minutes, 1.2 miles/hour, 0.19 miles.

If I keep starting to excercise, some day it’ll stick right?

Sleep and lack thereof.

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Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2010 4:44:53
I find it very frustrating that I don’t seem to be able to sleep a night through. Both boys are still dead to the world. I’m pretty sure neither stirred when the storms started.

I expect that later today when I want to be awake I’ll be unable to keep both eyes open. Just not fun. I don’t want to drive in that condition which makes me more dependent on Dale. I feel like I place such a heavy load on his shoulders as it is.

Sigh. Well all I can do right now is try again.
To bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.

Mid-night musings

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I’m not sure why I’m not asleep except that I woke up a little over an hour
ago and haven’t settled again yet.

Lots of not so happy thoughts are running through my head. Many to do with
fertility and babies. Miss Marble is in heat again. We really should get her
fixed. Some how it feels as though getting her (and her sister, Miss Dark)
fixed would be giving up on my own fertility.

I don’t even know if I/we really have issues there. Except for lack of
practice. I’m fairly sure that any doctor we consulted would tell us to go
away for the right weekend without the boy. Although I’m so bad at keeping
track of my cycle, I don’t know if I could predict the “right” weekend.

Somehow in the middle of the night, it’s all very depressing. I’m not even
sure if having another child would be a good thing for us. What would it do
to the boy? He’s already seven and conventional wisdom says that it would be
like starting a new family.

In some ways, the older the boy gets the more Dale and I fall into our old
semi-destructive habits. Having a second child would certainly curtail that.
Or cause us to be bankrupt rapidly.

Everything is up in the air. I’d like a way to make an actual informed
decision instead of a half-baked guess. I just don’t think that’s possible
though.

All my uncertainty is exacerbated by job stress. I love my job. The work is
interesting and varied. I make my own hours. I can work from home pretty
much whenever I need/want to. I get to car pool with Dale some days and
drive my own car others. It’s pretty awesome all round. The stress comes
from the risk of having both of us working in a start-up. Totally and
completely without safety net. I’d really like that part to change without
changing any other aspect of the job. Not asking for much am I?

It’s almost time for my alarm to go off. Guess I’ll start my day early.

Trying again.

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I think I’ve got the email posting all figured out. We’ll find out with this
post.

I’d like to post more often but when I set the bar too high I intimidate
myself. However, as of today I’m starting a new posting category. I’m going
to make a short post when I make a choice that is healthier or smarter than
my default choice. As an example of what might end up here, I had milk with
lunch today instead of a coke. It’s a small thing but I’m trying to have
many small choices end up making a big change.

Wish me luck.

Now is the time for all good bloggers…

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I don’t know if it’ll help but I now have email updating for microblogging.

I will see what happens.