My brain is mush.

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Today my plan was to record and publish the first episode of a podcast that I’d like to do on a regular basis. I have a basic plan for what I want to talk about and an idea for a title and some segment names and such. What I don’t have is the software needed to actually create the podcast.

The problem is everytime I go online to look for advice and/or instructions, the information gets very technical quickly. My brain then decides it is too technical and wanders off. Seriously. I have no control over where my attention is focused. ADD is a pain in the posterior.

I think I’ll go and knit instead of trying again. Maybe my sys admin will help. If he ever gets up.

At the end of a long day,

It's a thing No Comments

I’d like to know why I can walk to work in 1000 steps but walking home takes more than 1300?
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Power and energy.

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Power is supposed to go out tonight. I wish it would happen soon. If it goes out while I’m at work I get paid to sit down. Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’m so tired of everything right now. Tired of headaches, of money, of being a parent, of my cow-irkers, of the customers.

I’m really tired of worrying about money. I need a real job. One that pays enough that I can have my own car again. Or even just that pays enough that we could meet our budget again. I feel like we reduced everything possible and we’re still not making ends meet.

Well break’s over. Time to begin the slog again.
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I don’t know where to turn.

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Wednesday 5pm Dale is out of town this week so I’m single-parenting it. It shouldn’t be as difficult as it is. He’s only one kid.

Right now he’s refusing to do his problem of the week because it’s not due until Friday. If I let go, I’d grab him and shake him until he rattled. Instead my emotions are tightly reigned in and I sent him to his room.
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Well….

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It’s been 9 or 10 months since I last posted. I’m not sure why I keep this website around. Some silly idea that I’ll update it on a regular basis.

Reading my last post, I have the feeling not much has changed. I still want a job so that we can get some help with the house. I still want to feel like a functioning useful member of society.

Things that have changed: I have a part-time minimum wage joe job. It’s close to home so that I can walk to work, which is nice. Over the summer I did walk quite a bit. Now that it’s colder, I wimp out and take the car when I can. I was getting 15 or so hours a week which is just enough to make our budget. With winter here and various staff returning from mat leave/European tours and other things, this week I got six. Six isn’t enough to justify getting out of bed in the morning. I don’t know what to do. No, that’s not true. I need to find a full time job. But that I don’t seem to be able to accomplish.

Depression has me in a tight hold right now. Everything seems like too much. I don’t have energy unless it is externally supplied. I’m totally frustrated with the house and parenting and money and and and. I set a goal of applying for one job a week. I haven’t managed that. I’ve asked Dale for help with applying for things and he agrees but when it comes to sitting down to do it…..

Part of that is the fact that he is doing most of the parenting these days. I just get too angry too easily. He’s almost ten and we still have issues with toileting. We haven’t even tried to night train yet. He’s getting better with accidents but I really just would like him to figure it out. I didn’t expect to still be dealing with poopy underwear at this age. Homework is another huge issue. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and have him be able to focus on his school work enough to get it done with out one of us hovering.

Sigh. I’m going for a nap.

Sick sick sick.

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I’m sick of applying for jobs. I’m sick of doing housework. I’m sick. (No, really. I have a stomach flu.)

I just want one job. Just one. Why can I not get a job? I hear about twenty-eleven thousands of jobs being created on the news. I just want one.

I need new strategies for getting my resume in front of people. I hate doing it. Despite my mother telling me for years that I wasn’t shy, I am. Puting myself in front of others for any reason is exhausting. It’s also often terrifying.  I’m trying to design some “intro cards” to pass out but although I know in theory what put on them, I can’t quite make the leap to designing them.

I want a job so that we can pay someone else to do housework again. As expensive as our last person was, I love her. She so totally made our life better. I’m not sure if the stomach flu that we’ve all got is from grossness in the house or if it’s just a bug that we picked up. Either way, I want it to go away.

My day.

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Very productive.

 

Get boy to school. Dale headed to work. Sit down at computer to apply for jobs. Friend phones. Talk for two minutes. Hang up because doorbell rings. Answered door. JW’s at door for hubby.  Decided to start dishes before going back to computer. Got halfway through that. Heard cat yakking upstairs. Ran for that. Cleaned it up. Decided to collect bag of garbage to take downstairs & outside. Doorbell rings. Answered door. Package for Dale.  Upstairs to put it in office. Decide to start laundry. Wonder if I should do our bedding. Look for new set of sheets that I know we have somewhere. Find bag of craft supplies I thought was lost. Decide to clean/organize craft area. Sit down and get lost in beading. Tear self from that. Take yarn downstairs with knitting case. Feel hungry. Realize I didn’t start dishes. Mostly fill dishwasher. Head upstairs to look for cups. Find current book. Get distracted by smut. Become very relaxed. Fall asleep. (1 hour) Wake up. Realize tonight is cub banquet. Look for my uniform. Find most of it. Notice hairbrush. Start brushing hair. While brushing hair remember I hadn’t phoned friend back. Go back to purple room for phone. Phone and leave msg at her house. Check for texts. Text Dale about what plan for tonight is. Text her about jw’s. Jeff comes home. Talk to him about DS. Friend phones. We discuss how unproductive my day has been.  Continue with hair. Shower is next. Really. I promise.

 

Some days it’s just not gonna happen.

Why bother?

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The older I get, it seems the more often I get kicked in the head.

I try to live by Christian morals and get kicked in the head because of it.
I do my best at my job and get kicked in the head. I try to be honest and
open with members of my church and get kicked in the head. I try to better
myself with education and get kicked in the head. I try to make the world a
better place, guess what? I volunteer at my son’s school. Whammo.

When I was growing up and being picked on by bullies at school, my mother
would tell me that my turn would come. That someday I’d be the top dog and
they wouldn’t. I’m still waiting.

It makes me wonder why bother? Why try to be a better person? Why bother to
be honest? Why bother to help at the school? Why bother to work hard at all?
For that matter why bother to work at all? Why try to teach my child to work
hard, to be honest, to be kind?

It certainly seems as if I’d be further ahead if I did nothing at all. Maybe
I’ll find myself a one room apartment and just not bother to do anything.
Eventually the owners would throw me out but it would take a while. I could
apply for welfare and have someone else worry about everything.

Or maybe I should start committing crimes. What’s the worst that could
happen then? Get caught, arrested, sent to prison? Hmmm three meals/day and
lots of free time. That doesn’t sound too bad to me.

But what’s that teaching my son? That working hard isn’t worth it? That
seems to be what the universe is attempting to beat into my head. That
honesty isn’t valuable? Well it’s sure as hell gotten me nowhere.

I guess I’m just too stupid to give up.

Another day, another start.

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10 minutes, 1.2 miles/hour, 0.19 miles.

If I keep starting to excercise, some day it’ll stick right?

Sleep and lack thereof.

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Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2010 4:44:53
I find it very frustrating that I don’t seem to be able to sleep a night through. Both boys are still dead to the world. I’m pretty sure neither stirred when the storms started.

I expect that later today when I want to be awake I’ll be unable to keep both eyes open. Just not fun. I don’t want to drive in that condition which makes me more dependent on Dale. I feel like I place such a heavy load on his shoulders as it is.

Sigh. Well all I can do right now is try again.
To bed. To sleep, perchance to dream.

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